Rant - June something 2008 - No edits, changes, just brain dumping

"Write what you think don’t let our brain get full. No wasitn space we need to empty and refill often." Mrs. Burroughs

“Let me start from the beginning”….quite the cliché way to begin to tell the story of a long journey, an intrinsic introspection of the soul, a string of events that conclude in an epiphany of self-actualization….This is the way that I envisioned the quote-un-quote next chapter of my life to start with. One trip to the hospital the day before graduation for internal bleeding (thanks to my stellar 2nd place performance in the senior bar crawl), three moves within 2 months between states, and a 9-5 corporate middle-class American job later….I’m wondering what happened to the wunderkind.

I tend to start my train of thought at “Let me start from the end.” I like to think I can fastforward my present self 50 years into the future, in my present position, look around, and use some sort of twisted cost-benefit analysis to judge if I will be happy with what I am doing…50 years later. Obviously, this makes no sense.

I like my job. What is like? I like money. Why? I like to be happy. There we go, now we are getting somewhere. What makes me happy? What others perceive happiness to be. How do I discover what makes me happy? I do not like to work hard…by why is that? When was the last time you worked hard? Finance? Nooo just worked hard enough to get by and to understand what couldn’t be copied. To get a summer job, to switch into business school, to get this job? No I think I took this job in vain…everyone says that I can talk to anyone…well I cant, not everyone, it doesn’t feel right. Ive always said I can only argue (speak passionately/convincingly) about things that I care about. I suppose that can apply to my work ethic as well. Well why do I care about this job…I think it might be because of the initial glamour that it provided me…amongst peers, family…I got a job, do you? Didn’t think so…im looking to the future…didn’t look too far. Why does my mind keep trailing off midconversation…im analyzing, thinking about thinking….im not in my comfort zone. I don’t like pressure, I love change, being the new guy, low expectations, am I hiding something? I mimic others to fit in, but then use my charisma to make them look up to me…that’s fucked up. Ive changed…I once thought screwing the other guy to get ahead was ok…nature of the beast. I loved capitalism, free markets, and working to get yours….that gets lonely, and I feel parched. I want to help people…I say that, but do I? When was the last time I really did? I think its because I was so caught up in myself, my money, my selling weed, my pussy, that I didn’t have a “need” to worry about others. I think I even contemplated once that I could maybe live without my parents…ouch just typing that erks me…what an asshole I am/was. Well lets put it out there, Tim…moves to Germany, goes to backpack for 3 months, trades in his car, jumping from hostel to hostel….then what? Is it going to be worth giving up an ausome job that I could potentially excel at and be good at? Or will I get caught up in the cycle of corp. America, downplay the idea of living idealogical, and follow the road…to retirement. I know where that road leads and I have a pretty good idea about what I might encounter along the way. Jokerwild….wow that’s comical huh. I claim that I do everything a little different than the norm, never take anything at face value, and would be doing something amazing/unique with my life….like packing a brown bag, carpooling, and acting like I care about peoples college football games for the big Monday testosterone back to work talk. But you know what, I have a lease for a year….I am in a great position to learn business to business practices, sales cycles, the gift of the tongue. One year…I will be 23 and a half, I got a long way to go until this lease is up…I think the best thing to do is to work hard in the job now, try some volunteer work..who knows I might hate it. But lets try to start giving back, helping others…if I don’t know what I want to do then maybe I could at least help someone else find out. My purpose is to help others find their purpose…who am I? I don’t want to do too much cyclic thinking, but daym life is too short, give it your all, that’s all that can be asked of you.